Sowmya's Blog: January 2021

Saturday, January 30, 2021

May be travel will help.

I decided that the more I stay in a single,It would be better. I travelled extensively, Goa(second time), kumbakonam(resort) and pondi, kolar, dharmsthala, tiruvannamalai and I thought the more I travel it would help.

Goa made me feel miserable. I was feeling pathetic and miserable the second time in Goa. There were days I couldnt get up from bed. The more you see couple walking around, it makes you even pathetic that you are going through this shitty break up.

Travel didnt help, infact travel made me feel like I missed him more. But kumbaokonam, pondi and dharamsthala, thiruvannamalai were more hectic visiting a lot of places around so that I could never think. I have cried almost everyday by thinking about all our past times, past conversations which is still so fresh.

I dont know I suddenly feel anxiety attacks and I take his name in between. This is the most fucking crazy thing that it had never happened with me ever with anyone. Even with my first bf. I was never this miserable with my first Ex. It was 10 years ago. May be I was much younger and I had the energy to fight back and this time it was pretty hard. It is still pretty hard.

I havent gone for a run in months, I feel that I am forgetting running, its that bad. I love running and I feel miserable to get up and go for run.

I started thinking how I got over my break up 10 years ago, I think I was miserable back then too.

Sunday, January 17, 2021

Getting through the break up. Its just a time to heal and be ready when you are ready.

I decided that today I will not write about my depressing break up as much as possible.

I think its going to take gazillion years to get over. I deleted all the dating apps, matrimony apps. I decided am done with all. Sounds like irony right? well when you break up you need to get onto the dating apps and am I crazy enough to not take that route? No its not that. I feel finding your soulmate or finding your partner is more emotional thing, you cant shop them out of some random apps. I strongly believe that relationships are built over series of natural incidents and I cant shop them. Its not amazon where you order a product and if you dont like I can return within a stipulated time and you cant keep a time on building feelings. If someone is meant to be I thought I will do the non conventional way. If something is meant to happen I will bloody wait for it to happen and I will not make any effort from my side anymore.

Anyways, I decided that at this point in time I will only focus on my work, focus on what I want to do next than anything else. May be time has to tell what is best.

I went to my uncle's farmhouse for few days, its a remote village with a beautiful house and the farm faraway from the city, in a place called Vadagur, near Kolar. I am born and brought up in kolar.

Kolar was my go to place all the time in my childhood at my grand mom's village. We had big farms which typically they used to grow everything like guava, coconuts, flowers, potatoes, beans , silk plant, pomegranates and so on. My grand parents had cattle as well. My grand mom was the most amazing woman I have ever known. She is my motivation to take care of myself and she always took care of herself and very disciplined. She would get up every day at 4 am in the morning, do her morning pooja post bath, squeeze fresh milk from the cow, make tea, coffee, milk for kids along with the biscuits from our grocery store(she used to manage the cattle food store as well as grocery store and my grand pa used to sell ayurvedic medicines and everybody used to come to him in the village for minor health issues. Trust me he has cured my terrible stomach aches which I used to get during periods using ayurvedic medicine). That was one of the best life I had as a childhood. So by 7:30 my grand mom would have done the breakfast and she would open her store and she would take a small nap by 10:30 or so. She is an amazing woman with great work ethic. We had around 15-20 acres of farms and post their death the whole land is barren, its like a dead area with no soul. I feel so sad to see my grand pa's property like that and the house which i used to play like a kid has now fallen down.

Anyways, my uncle's farm reminds me of my grand pa's farm. My uncle literally grows everything under the roof, starting from millets, guava, sweet potato, green chillies, coriandar leaves, dill, curry leaves, bananas, roses under in small portions. It was really a nice digital detox from the city life and nice break for me. I wish the internet was better so I could have stayed for more days. Anyways, had a much needed break when am going through this shitty phase, one day at a time and one thing at a time.

Oh btw the whole village does farming, poultry farms so well that they make huge profits. I have heard that some people make upto 1 crore in an year by farming by growing tomatoes, potatoes alone. Its just that people have to work hard. I seriously feel farming is the best detox and life is much more peaceful.

Monday, January 11, 2021

Life has to move on!

Break ups are hard . Trust me I feel miserable almost every day and every minute of it. I just want to just wait till I get better and feel better. Right now its pathetic. I wonder sometimes why am I like this? why is it so hard for me to first of all fall in love or start dating. Once I start lets say I like someone then its even more harder for me to move on. I dont know sometimes when you are so in love and you do so much to make it work and you get frustrated when things dont work out.. This low period is ON! I cant login to anymore social media now. The thought of him standing next to someone creates a pain in my gut . Look, I am really not jealous and I am happy for him but the pain is real. But what do I say, If you are going to do the crime you better do the time

Also, I so happened to bump into this gtalk archives 10 years ago with one of my I would say Ex - boss.

I felt so nostalgic to read and I still wonder how I ever got over my first ever bf and but it doesnt bother me anymore. May be it would take another 10 years to get over this as well:

Hutchinson, Dallas [9:23 AM]:

whats up Carnegie

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:23 AM]:

Hey Chase...

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:24 AM]:

just a sec

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:25 AM]:

yep...

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:25 AM]:

Carnegie eh?

Hutchinson, Dallas [9:25 AM]:

yeah, i think that one's fitting...

Hutchinson, Dallas [9:25 AM]:

plus its cute right?

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:25 AM]:

hehe..u seem to be giving me diff name everyday

Hutchinson, Dallas [9:26 AM]:

well, a misspelling of a name isn't exactly a nickname

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:26 AM]:

it is

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:26 AM]:

i mean

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:26 AM]:

i siad diff name

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:26 AM]:

said*

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:27 AM]:

am fine with Carnegie...

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:27 AM]:

btw i am going back to india on 28th

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:27 AM]:

Hutchinson, Dallas [9:27 AM]:

really? that stinks

Hutchinson, Dallas [9:27 AM]:

you should try and stay on

Hutchinson, Dallas [9:28 AM]:

we were really close to bringing you on as an analyst to replace Aruna

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:28 AM]:

I wish i could have stayed back

Nyanamurthy, Sowmya [9:28 AM]:

but nothing is in my hands na

Hutchinson, Dallas [9:28 AM]:

I dont know what happened on that though... kinda stopped... plus Chuy isn't keen on losing you.. .ha

Hutchinson, Dallas [9:29 AM]:

he's been impressed