Getting over you is the longest marathon I have been running! Part 2

I know its December month and I know its your birthday month. Every year since I know you its so hard knowing your birthday but not wish you. I so always wanted to wish you on your birthday every year, may be have a small surprise for you and celebrate with you. 

I love organizing get togethers, hosting house parties and nothing would have been the most happiest moment to organize and celebrate your birthday. Ah, life! cant help it. Definitely, the pandemic and working from home and the weather isn't  helping me in any way. For sure I know, its not going to make any difference to you how I feel  and am sure you would have move on and don't even think about me but I wish it was that easy for me to get over you. I neither can wish you nor celebrate your birthday with you. That's life that's what it is.  

December 10th isn't going to be just another day for me and I really don't want to co-relate it to your birthday and think about you and be more upset. I remember last year in 2019, no one in Pacemakers wished you on your birthday though you were part of the group but it was so hard for me not to wish you. I know you would be very upset if I message you in the group and didn't want to do anything which would upset you anymore. This year I know that you are not even in the group to wish you. 

I still think should I order you a cake, may be I should order you  a gift or something but I know how it went last time I gave you a gift and I really don't want to upset you and upset myself by ordering anything. But it would have meant a lot to do it. I decided that I would let go, I would stay out of it, whatever I do, it would only upset you and upset me even more. You never understood with what was my intent behind anything I did and whatever I did would only upset you even more. I am too tired mentally and I really don't have a mental bandwidth to try anything which I would think that it makes you feel good but in tern it would only make it worst.

Any relationship shouldn't be like that, a relationship is something even though I cross a boundary or make a mistake the other person should be able to understand the intent behind why someone did for what. Look, Love is blind, you only want to make an effort to make you feel good and it should be mutual too. If whatever effort I was making to understand could only annoy you to the core then I really didnt know what to say or do anything further.

If me coming over all the way to San jose to try to make you understand if you dont get the intent behind someone's love then I dont know what else to say.

You know that wasnt the first time, I wanted to talk to you make it work between the two of us so desperately even before. Every time we bumped into each other be it Bengaluru Marathon 2018 after our huge argument, the time I saw you in TMM 2019 at the bib collection, do you think it was easy for me. It was so hard to see you and not talk to you. You had clearly told me not to openly acknowledge in front of anyone during the stadium run, so I never wanted to cross a borderline around it and I didn't know what to do and I just stayed away. I only wish I could explain you all this anyway.  

Gosh, these memories, is there any way I can get it out of my memory and I dont want to remember everything and every moment with you, I wish there was a drug I could just take and wipe some memories. Its so hard to not think about you. Its been f%$cking 2 years and am hung up every moment every day and this is a torture. The more I not think about you, the more I think, so I decided that I will not stop myself and if this is the phase where I have to think about you and acknowledge it be it the good memories or the bad memories I am going to do and I am not going to fight that battle because I have fought enough to not think about you. The more I fight it and the more I loose.

I really just cant wait for the day I wont think about you. I really wish that I reach that day so you are out of my memory that way this torture am going through would end. Anyways, I hope you will have a great birthday.