Then the psunami did hit me. 

I tried, I tried really hard to not wish him on his birthday but I dont know subconsciously I wasnt still not over him and I did wake up in the middle of the night and I did send him a skype request and immediately he rejected it. Trust me in the middle of the night when you woke up with a slightest of the hope may be things will get better and he just rejected my request and it did shatter my heart into million pieces. I should have understood from it but then heart wants what it wants and I sent an email. Thats when the real psunami hits, he replied saying " Thanks, I hope you have moved on" and I am in a relationship. Trust me it just struck like a knife into my gut but I think thats what it is. I just couldn't get up in the morning that day I just couldn't focus on work. I thought may be getting out of my current situation and I came to Goa with friends and I couldn't share it with anyone how I felt. Last month, when I came to Goa I did have a great time. This time even Goa beaches couldn't get a smile on my face, I went to Doodhsagar and I felt miserable. I felt so low, miserable looking at a such a beautiful place and knowing what happened in the last few days, It made it worst. I thought travel could help and it didn't. Freaking Goa made me even more miserable. God I just want to get out of this phase. I really beg God to get me out of this miserable phase. I really pray that nobody has to go through this kind of ache. I am trying hard to be fine but I cant. Because, the day I first saw him my heart had all those dreams that we are gonna be together forever and now all these days may be I was living in denial but now its official. Its just over. Honestly, this is one of my second biggest break ups ever after my 2010 break up with my college mate. It took me almost like a decade to find someone like that and tank again and be in the same situation. Sometimes I ask God the same question, I have never broken anyone's heart, never played with anyone else's feelings, never took anyone for advantage especially when it comes to relationships and feelings but I don't deserve this. Anyways, I wished him good luck with it as a last response and I got my closure. But this phase is miserable. I don't even know what is right or wrong with me anymore. I don't even know if am really that  bad of a person that I have to go through this. Anyways, I just want to get out of this shitty situation I am feeling right now. I really sincerely want to move on from him. I feel that the only way I can move on from someone is when you find the next best person whom you like, I really wish this time it happens too fast and I don't have to wait another decade to meet that person.

 I know today is your birthday and definitely not an easy day for me, its hard knowing your birthday and not wish you. Amidst in this kind of a mood, I got a call in the morning from mom that she is having a heart burn. I am waiting for her to take her to Sakra, Its been the third visit to Sakra in the last 1 week and her health isn't in a greatest shape and I am tired running around to the hospital since last week already, I really wish she recovers soon and be in the best of her health. Anyways, I wish I could talk to you, You know I always feel the best medicine to anything isnt the actual medicine, its that one phone call you can make to your loved ones or meet them or just knowing them that you have them with you, probably a  hug from them. If we both were together, I would have been much more stronger to deal with all of this. I feel that my heart is already broken and I am trying to pick up those pieces and then mom thing is happening, I know I have to be stronger than all this and I will be but a void is a void. Not having you with me, not been able to talk to you, even worst that knowing that my thought of you annoys you to the core and that probably you hate me that feeling is a worst feeling. I wish if there was any way to make you understand how much you mean to me and that how important it is for me for my own mental sanity. 

I am a very sensitive person in nature, If am attached, am attached and its not easy for me to let go of someone am attached. Be  it my friends, my cousins or whoever it is. The way you always call it emotional, yes am an emotional person for those who I feel attached to. Am I the same to everyone else "NO" not at all. I consider this as both blessing and a curse.

So letting go of you hasn't been easy at all. I am definitely trying, trying hard. I am trying to distract myself with those stupid apps like Bumble, Hinge, Shaadi etc etc. It just hard, the more I go through the profiles over there, the more it upsets me.  

Quiet a few people I met on those apps were so disappointing that while on my way back from those dates, there are many a times I have literally cried as I missed you even more and this is true.

Honestly, it might sound cliche to anyone, I just cant wait for the day where I will stop thinking about you. I am really looking forward to the day where I just dont think about you at all. 

Last time, that happened was when I first met you. You know the history but actually infact the day I first met you, the thought of that other person was gone. I really hope that I meet someone so that I can just forget you. Its fucking 2 years already and I am still hung up. I dont know why is it hard this time with you. I really want to not think about you anymore and I really wish there was some way to wipe off those memories.  I wish I was like you that you can shut yourself emotionally and move on quickly. I really wish I was like that so that I dont go through this torture.

Anyways, I really wish you a Happy birthday, have a great year, no matter what happened I wish you good luck.  I wish by the next year I would have forgotten about you, may be the birthday wish on your birthday should be me  getting over you. Hmm... I only wish that happens.

Also, When I started reading your blogs two years ago, this is what I had read and am copying it here, I think this is what i had read and thought this is what i have to strongly start applying :

 TOI which I happened to read. The article goes like this:

Whenever you think you are going through the most difficult time of your life, stop and think. This may be just the experience you need to snap you out of your complacency and breathe life back into your soulless existence, break an ongoing cycle of failure or somehow be the catalyst which pushes you towards a brighter future.
Next time you feel like your life is collapsing around you, ask yourself why and then take a step back and welcome the changes that have been put in place to save your sorry excuse for a life. And you will then understand that only real insight is born out of trauma.

 Getting over you is the longest marathon I have been running! Part 2

I know its December month and I know its your birthday month. Every year since I know you its so hard knowing your birthday but not wish you. I so always wanted to wish you on your birthday every year, may be have a small surprise for you and celebrate with you. 

I love organizing get togethers, hosting house parties and nothing would have been the most happiest moment to organize and celebrate your birthday. Ah, life! cant help it. Definitely, the pandemic and working from home and the weather isn't  helping me in any way. For sure I know, its not going to make any difference to you how I feel  and am sure you would have move on and don't even think about me but I wish it was that easy for me to get over you. I neither can wish you nor celebrate your birthday with you. That's life that's what it is.  

December 10th isn't going to be just another day for me and I really don't want to co-relate it to your birthday and think about you and be more upset. I remember last year in 2019, no one in Pacemakers wished you on your birthday though you were part of the group but it was so hard for me not to wish you. I know you would be very upset if I message you in the group and didn't want to do anything which would upset you anymore. This year I know that you are not even in the group to wish you. 

I still think should I order you a cake, may be I should order you  a gift or something but I know how it went last time I gave you a gift and I really don't want to upset you and upset myself by ordering anything. But it would have meant a lot to do it. I decided that I would let go, I would stay out of it, whatever I do, it would only upset you and upset me even more. You never understood with what was my intent behind anything I did and whatever I did would only upset you even more. I am too tired mentally and I really don't have a mental bandwidth to try anything which I would think that it makes you feel good but in tern it would only make it worst.

Any relationship shouldn't be like that, a relationship is something even though I cross a boundary or make a mistake the other person should be able to understand the intent behind why someone did for what. Look, Love is blind, you only want to make an effort to make you feel good and it should be mutual too. If whatever effort I was making to understand could only annoy you to the core then I really didnt know what to say or do anything further.

If me coming over all the way to San jose to try to make you understand if you dont get the intent behind someone's love then I dont know what else to say.

You know that wasnt the first time, I wanted to talk to you make it work between the two of us so desperately even before. Every time we bumped into each other be it Bengaluru Marathon 2018 after our huge argument, the time I saw you in TMM 2019 at the bib collection, do you think it was easy for me. It was so hard to see you and not talk to you. You had clearly told me not to openly acknowledge in front of anyone during the stadium run, so I never wanted to cross a borderline around it and I didn't know what to do and I just stayed away. I only wish I could explain you all this anyway.  

Gosh, these memories, is there any way I can get it out of my memory and I dont want to remember everything and every moment with you, I wish there was a drug I could just take and wipe some memories. Its so hard to not think about you. Its been f%$cking 2 years and am hung up every moment every day and this is a torture. The more I not think about you, the more I think, so I decided that I will not stop myself and if this is the phase where I have to think about you and acknowledge it be it the good memories or the bad memories I am going to do and I am not going to fight that battle because I have fought enough to not think about you. The more I fight it and the more I loose.

I really just cant wait for the day I wont think about you. I really wish that I reach that day so you are out of my memory that way this torture am going through would end. Anyways, I hope you will have a great birthday.