Finally, I re registered Berlin.. After such a rigourous training in 2020 where I was really looking forward to the race and when due to covid everything got cancelled, it killed my morality. I felt lot of things went down the drain in my life in 2020, I had a different motivation I was doing solo runs on my own and I had a great training going on with motivation but then every thing went in vein.

I felt what I wanted so badly in my life nothing was happening, runs getting cancelled, Honeywell leadership being so shitty in making their own decisions without our consultation changing our roles and personnelly I was finding it hard to accept K's chapter was over, even though deep down I knew it somehow that its all over.

Anyways, 2022 is totally different, I guess am out of all of this mess. I have a fairly satisfied job, personnelly I am feeling much better . Hopefully I get to train well for the future races.

How did I reach this level: Ofcourse I had no option I had to find my ways to get out of this loop. Letting go a lot of those things.

Ofcourse I started dating other guys. But I am not in a mental space for a commitment. This is the first time ever I dont feel anything for anyone. In the sense I was always the one guy at a time. I was never ever into casual dating neither I thought I could do casual stuffs. But I feel I am not the same anymore. I have never been like this in my life,  the guys I met or I have seen recently I am just not feeling anything anymore. Is it because am I scared to put my self out there or  trying to shield myself so i dont hurt myself or I have not found the one whom I really interested. But I dont know If I am ever going to feel the same way ever. I feel my emotions are totally dead. I just dont feel anything anymore with any guys. The number of guys I did meet  since 2021 i havent even dated those many guys in my entire life. I am literally not feeling anything to any of these guys with whom I encountered. I am surprised at myself I was never like this its so unlikely of me. I have always dated one guy at any given point in time through out my life.  But this time I really dont know, are my feelings dead? Will I ever fall in love again? Honestly I dont know. But one thing I am sure and  am glad its saving me a heart ache. I feel am shielding myself to go through the heart ache.

Anyways, coming back to training I had my first DNF, I have to train really hard and I hardly have few weeks left for Berlin. I really need to focus and get back to the same confidence i was in 2020.

 As I already mentioned that I wasnt hired by Google. But then the SAAS company I got hired is no less.

My biggest hesitation to joining this new role was even though it was the same SAP eco system but I never managed SAP programming as a core team. My core area has always been customer onboarding/B2B integration . SAP has never been my primary skill. My work has never been related to the core SAP work except for the SD integration. But I come from a very strong SAP OTC  and little bit of  logistics, finance and other functional knowledge and to my surprise I am actually filling my team's knowledge gap and team is really happy about it. They look forward to my contributions. The team was missing that kind of guidance I guess. i was telling one of my friend that I dont think I can make any justification to this role as I dont have any experience on the primary skill ABAP programming.

I still dont have the core ABAP knowledge but I am glad that at overall level when it comes to solution desgin I do a much better job. I feel this is even better